The smallest menial decisions become a whirlwind of emotions for someone like myself. I am self-diagnosed, P.T.S.D. caused by a few different events in my life but, the most obvious and easy to understand is when I experienced Sudden Severe hearing loss. Literally, woke up one morning and could no longer hear, just like that no more sound. Suddenly, from one day to the next, living in a world of silence. I now use a cochlear implant to hear with and will definitely write about that experience sometime soon. However, I just wanted to give someone an insight into the life of someone with PTSD and how stress can affect them.
After a stressful two days where Life has taken it’s toll with an overload of stress, I finally made it to the grocery store this evening. I was with my boyfriend and we borrowed his son’s car. Because its an unfamiliar vehicle and a little older we took a flashlight with us to find things inside the car. Tomorrow morning my boyfriend’s son will be travelling out of town for the weekend. Naturally, in a concerned parent voice, he says to me as were getting out of the car, “Should I leave this flashlight in the car, since he’s going out of town?”
Simple question for most people, easy answer, yes, better safe than sorry leave the flashlight in the car for him in case he doesn’t have one. For me, I felt like it was a life or death decision for ME to make. He was only thinking out loud in a way, was just looking for input, possibly making sure I didn’t need it for something. I suddenly felt a ton of pressure and started thinking out loud saying “Well, I don’t know, does he have another flashlight in here? Do we have one in the house in case the power goes out? If I tell you not to leave it for him and he breaks down it will be my fault he didn’t have a flashlight and something really bad might happen to him if he is broke down, in the dark, trying to change a flat with no flashlight, Oh gosh I don’t know what you should do”
I felt regret about making the wrong decision before I even made it and it was a menial decision, and should have been no pressure, just a simple yes answer, leave it in the car for him to travel but, for me I could not make that decision. I got so flustered from it I do not remember what my boyfriend said to me, or physically walking into the house, I was just overwhelmed, almost in panic attack mode, OVER A FLASHLIGHT.
I can make the big decisions of life when I have to but, the little stuff gets me every time!